Tuesday, June 4, 2024

Gamer's War Stories

 This is a pet peeve. No... this is a berserk button.

War Stories.

Have you ever been talking about a game with another person and at some point you get caught up in the soul-sucking tarpit that is the Gamer's War Story?

Before I go any further, I want to differentiate between an appropriate anecdote and a Gamer's War Story. It's important. This is an example of an appropriate anecdote.

"So I was facing this High Elf player in the tournament. He'd decided that since I had an all cavalry army he'd bunker his main unit inside a circle of fencing, expecting me to decline the charge. Well, he underestimated how crazy I can be and I got him in the front and flank with a double charge.  Hehe, I lost two knights, but I blew his general's unit off the table."

That story was short, had a point, was a little self-aggrandizing but not over the top, and generally an acceptable anecdote.

A good war story doesn't have to be short. It can be longer as long as it keeps the audience's interest either through humor, 2-way discussion, or if it's just plain necessary to get to the point. Risky but doable, the long story can really pay off. If I may toot my own horn, I direct the reader to the "Blood in the Badlands" posts for an example.

But here... here is an example of a Gamer's War Story:

"So I once had this level 15 paladin that had this awesome Vorpal Holy Dancing Luckblade +25 with a -30 bonus to my AC! It was so awesome! I'd like, rip orcs in half with it and just pile up the bodies! It's so funny... in this last adventure, the DM sent a red dragon after us. So we fought it in like a cave or something and it was blasting the party and while the other PCs were bleeding hit points my paladin was basically roasting marshmallows because I auto-saved all my saving throws because of that armor and this item I got in another campaign where if I successfully make a save vs. Breath Weapon I take zero damage. It's cool. So anyway we kept hacking at the dragon and finally, we killed it. In the treasure hoard, there was a bunch of stuff and I got a shield +3 with Ethereal, so I could become like a ghost 3 times a day. So awesome. So then we kept going and in the next room, there were like a thousand kobolds. We killed all of them and the DM was so pissed because he just couldn't kill us off. So then there was a horde of Giants in a chasm under that and we started plucking them off with bows and arrows and they couldn't climb the walls to get to us so we just sat there all day plinking them until they were all dead. Then we had to get down there and the party had to find some rope but I just jumped down because my hit points were so high and I had a ring of feather fall I just jumped down and by the time they got down there, I had already collected up all the treasure and was sorting it out in piles. Then we had to go fight the main bad guy in the next chamber and he was like some big evil Necromancer dude and could summon like, ten zombies a round and that fight was so fun... dude check it out... so I ran right up the middle and WHOMP I sliced him in half with my awesome sword while everybody else was dealing with zombies and it was so funny because the DM was getting all red in the face and we were laughing and the treasure was so great I leveled like three times from the XP. So I decided to put my new weapon proficiency slots toward a lance because in the adventure before that, I got a magical steed that can, like, move 480 per round and has +2 to hit when it attacks and can carry infinite weight because it has magical barding of encumbrance so I can carry an elephant in it because the horse has infinite capacity and I have gauntlets of Titan strength so literally I could be riding down main street with an elephant in my arms. And I could be like 'Here, hold this!' and throw it at someone. So cool. OH, you know what's awesome to play? A druid! I had this druid character once who..."

If you've ever told a story like this, I GUARANTEE by the time you got about halfway through that, the person you were talking to was fantasizing about tearing your tongue out and hog-tying you with it.

Please.... please stop. Just.... stop.

I had to sit through a Warhammer story like that once. I'll spare you the details, but it was like listening to a playback of an announcer calling plays during a football game, only not interesting at all and with no visuals.

Now, I understand that sometimes, people don't realize they're doing this. Here are some helpful hints to know when you might be telling a Gamer's War Story

  • The audience hasn't said a word in the last 10 minutes.
  • The audience has stopped making eye contact with you.
  • You're jumping from story to story without any feedback from your audience.
  • The audience's body language is signaling severe discomfort and/or stress
  • If you have to tell your audience that something is "so funny" because they aren't laughing... then it isn't funny.
  • If you're animated and excited and your audience looks like their shoes are too tight

Seriously.

This sort of phenomenon can also happen when it isn't a war story, but rather a far too detailed explanation of some aspect of a game. For example, when I first heard of the game Mage: The Ascension, I had to sit for 45 minutes while a guy told me about every. single. character. type in the game. "Basically it's a ...." and then 5 paragraphs worth of talk. For each one. Pro tip: If it takes you 5 paragraphs to explain something, you've gone well beyond "basically." If I really want to know this stuff I'll look it up in the rulebook myself. I'm not going to remember the sermon in any case.

If you've been speaking about a story for a solid 30 seconds without any feedback from your audience, you're in severe danger of being guilty of this. If your audience is laughing, asking questions, or seems interested by their body language, then proceed... But if they aren't. WRAP IT UP IMMEDIATELY. I don't care how cool you think your 23rd Level Wizard is or how awesome your horde unit of Beastmen Minotaurs is, if you can't convey the awesome in a single short paragraph or less, they're not going to be able to appreciate it anyway.

Bottom line... This is a form of conversation hogging and is considered very rude. I've never seen a Gamer's War Story that was actually prompted. Usually, the speaker just starts off with one little thing but gets carried away. I was guilty of this myself when I was young, I admit it... But I've experienced this phenomenon from men well into their 30s, so it isn't just a youth thing.

If someone wants to hear about your level 15 paladin, they'll ask. If they want to hear more, they'll prompt you. If they're interested in the story, their body language will encourage you to go on. BE AWARE of these signs and people will like you more. At the very least, they won't be imagining shocking violence directed toward you.

Please. Please don't tell Gamer's War Stories. I don't want to have to punch you in the soul.

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